Monday, October 27, 2008

Tiana Finishes Wilderness Expedition

Tiana has finished a very demanding 21 day wilderness trek and we finally got to see her Saturday at the Catherine Freer base camp, about 30 miles east of Albany, Oregon They have a very nice facility there--100+ forested acres, several lakes, a nice river that runs through, several structures, etc. The weather was cool and clear. We had our group meeting with 7 kids, 4 counselors/therapists and about 10 or 11 parents.

My first impression on seeing Tiana as she walked through the door is that she looked very tired. Her face was puffy like maybe she had been crying the night before. She didn't appear to have lost much, if any, weight (I sort of thought she would). Most of the other kids seemed a lot cheerier and happy to see their parents. Not so much with Tiana. As per usual, she wouldn't make eye contact with me.

In this group setting, the kids would face their parents and were expected to tell them what they learned during the first three weeks, what goals they had for the next 30 days and what their long-term plans were for staying clean, amongst other things. They were also supposed to give a full and complete list of disclosures of their past behaviors, including things that the parents probably weren't aware of. This was a very emotional thing for most of the kids to do, but you can see the benefits to everyone concerned--the kids get a lot off their minds and are able to start with a clean slate, and the parents get their worst fears confirmed (or refuted, but mostly confirmed) and can move forward.

Tiana in no cooperated when it came to be her turn. The therapists were very understanding, as they know Tiana is shy and has difficulty communicating under the best of circumstances, but they were also firm, strongly encouraging her to engage. She would just say she wasn't ready to talk, or she just "didn't want to," and we just couldn't get her to open up. She kept insisting that everything was in her journal and that we could read about it there. Finally, after wasting almost 2 hours of the group's time, we just gave up. I think it was a good lesson to the Freer staff about what we as parents have been dealing with.

We then had about 10 minutes to spend just with Tiana and that was a very emotional time for me and her. She just seemed so lost and I had no words to help re-assure her. Whatever issues she's dealing with must just seem overwhelming. We hugged and she let me kiss her on the cheek, I told her I love her and believed in her, and with great difficulty and emotion, she said she love me too. And then she was off. She just looked so sad and distant when she walked away, but never did show any strong emotion about not coming home.

The activities they have planned for the next 4+ weeks include rock climbing, surfing and horseback riding. They'll be receiving individual and group therapy on a daily basis and will still be sleeping in tents at night. Not the ideal lifestyle for Tiana, but I hope she is able to make some progress. She needs to get her self-confidence and her self-respect back.

The capper to the whole ordeal was getting back home and reading through her journal. It was very well written, articulate and clear, but several pages had been ripped out. Obviously, the version the field staff had seen (and more or less approved) was different from what we got. There are still a lot of things that she hasn't come to grips with and I'm very concerned about what they might be. I still feel very badly that as parents, we have really failed her.

Love to all,

Frank

Monday, October 06, 2008

Tiana's Gone

So for those of you who don't already know, yesterday we had an intervention.

At 330am, we woke up our soon to be 17 year-old daughter and informed her of our decision to send to her to a wilderness therapy program in Oregon. At first she didn't quite believe, simply rolled over and said "I'm not going to Oregon." When the transport crew entered the room, she slowly came to an understanding of what was going on. Ten minutes later it was virtually over, as Tiana stoically walked to the waiting van in slippers and her hastily arranged clothes.

We saw her again about 5 hours later when the programs administrators brought her into a conference room crowded with other families and school functionaries. It was the first of several emotional encounters and truly the beginning of a somewhat traumatic day. Quickly we were briefed on the program and then the lead therapist Socratically questioned all family members and kids so we all had a sense of what had led these diverse people to the program. It was very non-judgemental and was easier than I thought it would be. Tiana totally refused to participate. The counselors mentioned that this was her one chance to defend/explain her actions, but she still wouldn't cooperate.

Four grueling hours later we were done and the time came for saying goodbye to the kids. Because Tiana had been a little delayed in the process because she had to get a physical, she was the only one who still had her regular clothes on. The other kids had been searched, issued new clothes and were ready to start the 12 hour car ride to the trailhead. At this point Tiana was clearly angry and would not talk to me, but was still very much in control. She walked into the clean room, never looking back, and that was the last I saw of her. Her personal effects were returned to us about 15 minutes later.

By 230 or so we were on the road, leaving Albany, Oregon with very heavy hearts. It was a quiet car ride home as the skies were dark and rain often falling as we worked out way north. By about 645pm we were home, exhausted from the last 48 hours but feeling good that we had followed through with this extremely difficult decision.

What's next? After 21 days of full-on wilderness backpacking, with group therapy sessions twice a day and lots of introspective time and journal writing, the group of kids will come back to civilization and will meet again at a camp near Albany. Tiana will either be forwarded to the next, less-intesive 30 day phase of the program, or she may be encouraged to repeat the strenuous 21 day program a second time. Either way, she will stay in Oregon at least for another 3-4 weeks.

After the 30-day program, she will again be evaluated and the therapists will recommend the next course of treatment, which is usually 6-9 months in some kind of less structured therapeutic setting, a half-way house, so to speak. If Tiana makes real progress during the 30-day program, and we're able to make some changes at home and arrange for her education, there's a chance they'll recommend she return with us to Seattle.

I compare this with my mom's death many years ago, in terms of emotional intensity. I guess that's a little melodramatic, as in the universal scheme of things, this hardly registers. I know it's the best decision for Tiana, but I miss her so, so much. How many times in just the last few days have I heard somebody coming up the basement stairs, thinking it was her, or woken up in the middle of the night, thinking I heard something downstairs? And all the little personal things laying around the house, the birthday cards that are arriving, or the presents I had bought her months ago, still sitting in the garage....

Each day since she's been gone, I've been sending her an email, telling her about what's going on up here, the weather, and of course sprinkling in a few thoughts about how much I care about her, what we can do to improve our relationship, etc. It's silly, but it makes me feel much better and maybe will mean something to Tiana. Someday.

We'll be getting our first detailed report of Tiana's progress this Friday and I will post updates to the blog.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

For Tiana


Shotgun in the Closet (Waiting to Go Off)

You haven't looked me in the eyes since you were twelve
Those eyes that used to sparkle
Are gone now, not working for you
Wonder all around
Is lost, replaced by darkness and dark circles

Could I have done more – probably
I could have done less
Somewhere things got away and it was easier
To stop trying so hard
And I guess that's what we did

You captivated me when you were on
And made me feel so good, and lightened
My heart
But it never lasted
And was followed by what was worse

Could we have had a normal conversation?
I don't think so, because you're shut down
To any common ground
And like me, stopped trying
It wouldn't have been so bad

You're the shotgun in the closet
Waiting to speak
Are you loaded again?
Can you come outside and live
Or stay in the corner, inert, alone

Stolen cash and ipods
Stolen hope and youth
Club on the car wheel
Dreams dashed
Because I couldn't get through

Where else have you been
Whose sheets have you seen
When the sun comes up
And you're caught in between
Morning and night?

We can't, you and I,
Want, wish, wait, hope and pray
Anymore, if you ever did
The time
Has come for Saving Private Tiana

Open up your heart and soar
Don't look down!
Listen to the artist, the creative spirit
Throw out the demons
And everyone that doesn't inspire you
Tattoo this on your soul: I never stopped believing!
You can do it
It will be hard
i luv u

Is there something inside that remembers?
--Dad