Day 2, Bend Oregon

Today started out great, turned kind of ugly and ended reasonably well.

We all got up fairly early, including the girls, and had a wonderful complimentary breakfast in the motel's dining room. I mean this was fantastic, with a full-on buffet, including thick-cut bacon, eggs, all kinds of fruits, muffins and potatoes, waffles--you name it. And delicious coffee.

After that I walked along the river for a while, watched a couple guys that were fishing and just soaked up the sun. At around 11, we went shopping at the mall across the street. I got some shorts at Macy's and Tiana got a few things as well. We then went to an area south of downtown called Mill Town, where they had a great selection of interesting shops and restaurants, even a new REI store. That was fun.

Then we decided to go up to Mt Bachelor, but had a lot of trouble finding the way, for some reason. Tiana was driving and we explored some nice country roads (most of them loaded up with bicyclists), but ended up back in town when we kind of got lost. As usual, Tuuli was nagging Tiana the whole time and it just wasn't fun for any of us to be in the car. Sure enough, Tuuli asked Tiana to pull over so we could look at a map, and before you could blink we were over the curb, across a little grass mound, through a heavy chain, over a steel post, back over another curb and into the adjacent parking lot, amazingly missing a couple cars. Of course Tiana was devastated, Tuuli was screaming and the whole scene was very traumatizing. I felt so bad for Tiana--it was a bad mistake, of course and just shattered her confidence. When the two of us were alone at the last parent weekend she drove nearly the whole time, well over 200 miles without the slightest problem. Within 10 minutes yesterday, Tuuli had already critiqued and corrected her more than I did in three days.

It would have been rather hilarious if not for Tiana's hurt feelings. The car was hardly scratched, the chain wasn't broken and I set the post back up no problem. You could hardly even tell a car had been there. Even though it was in a busy area, nobody approached us and we just drove away.

We finally got home and I took a nice long walk, while Tiana stayed in the room. This is just the kind of thing the therapists warn us could trigger an event, so I hope she is able to get over it. But any more driving for the rest of this trip is out of the question for her. Not because she can't do it, but because it just makes for such an uncomfortable environment in the car. Tuuli just can't relax and can't shut up--she simply can't do it. And I had so looked forward to having Tiana drive. It's fun for me, and it's fun for her. Very disappointing.

After dinner, Savi and I went to a roller derby event in downtown Bend, while Tiana just chilled in the room. It was a very good time and just what I needed. Of course now Tuuli isn't talking to me, so some things never change. I guess I'm exploring that classic definition of insanity....

We Pick up Tiana, May 22, 2009

Well, today was the big day. After arriving in our Sublimity hotel at a little before midnight, Savi, Mom and I got up reasonably early on this bright, beautiful morning, had some coffee and a very mediocre breakfast and headed south for Santiam. We got a little crossed up in our directions, but at about 1105 we rolled into the campus's drive and a moment later we saw a beaming Tiana emerging from the A frame, with bags and bags of her stuff on the porch.

After a few hugs and kisses and a final walk around the lakes, we were again off, possibly for the very last time, with Tiana driving. We worked our way up to the Bend highway and in a couple hours were at Sisters, a smallish touristy town of about 2000 at an elevation of 3200' or so. We walked around for a while, had a nice lunch, bought some fudge and ice cream and Tiana and I got a couple coffee drinks at an espresso shop. It was fun, but hot!

Mom took over the driving, as she had been an incessant nag on the way to Sisters, and we rolled into the Riverside Hotel at exactly 4. We checked into the sprawling hotel and found our room (#249) and were soon settled in. None of us was hungry because of our late lunch, so we screwed around until 730 and then headed into the old part of downtown. We found a very nice pizza place (http://www.pizzamondobend.com/) where we had pizza and salad. We walked around town for a while, went back to the hotel and for the most part were in bed by 11pm.

That's it for now!

Tiana and Dad at Newport OR

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. A lot has happened, and a lot has not happened. The most recent event of any real significance, I guess, was last weekend in Oregon where I got to spend three days with Tiana.

Tuuli was tied up with the annual Spring Reign tournament in Burlington with Savanna and it was a parent's weekend at Santiam, so I made the long drive down to Albany Friday afternoon, April 17. Though I left directly from the office at about 2pm, I didn't arrive at the Albany motel until nearly 7, another brutal 5-hour drive that took its toll on my aching shoulders the next day. After checking in, I jumped in the spa for a few minutes, took a shower and went out for a quick bite to eat. This city of 25,000 at the confluence of the Calapooia River and the Willamette is becoming all too familiar to me. Home to the country's largest zirconium processing plant, Albany has failed to impress me after 6 or 7 visits. The crazy diagonal highways, the freeway that splits the older part of town from the strip malls and the hotels on the east side and the mass of one-way streets designed to confuse visitors like me, just has left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm happiest when I'm leaving Albany, either to pick up Tiana at Santiam or to come back home.

Up early the next morning, a quick breakfast and I was off on the 45 minute trip to campus. The first few miles are on a major east-west highway, then a smaller highway until you get to the village of Scio, then head south on yet a smaller highway, turn right onto a country road, over a covered bridge and then past various farms, pastures and rolling hills. The last few miles always bring back memories of earlier visits in the snow, ice and rain--every kind of weather--and many emotions. Rolling onto the campus driveway and i relive every event of the last 7 months, the good times and the bad times and the many strong feelings associated with each.

i met Tiana outside Anne's office at 830 and she was her usual cheerful self, full of hugs and very talkative. After a quick meeting with her therapist, it was off to the parent's workshop for me until about 1130, at which time the girls brought down the usual lunch. After eating together and signing out, Tiana jumped in the driver's seat and we were off to Newport, by way of Albany and Corvallis. I was not to drive the car for more than 15 minutes for the rest of the weekend!

Tiana was in a good mood and we made a lot of small conversation as I pointed out the finer points of driving, which she seemed very interested in absorbing. She did some freeway driving for the first time and excelled at it. We drove onto the U of O campus in Corvalis, which I had wanted to see for a long time, and walked up through the flower filled quad. Back in the car, we headed west toward the sun and the beach town of Newport 40 miles away, pulling into our ocean front hotel at about 5. We had dinner at a retro-50s burger joint, did some sight seeing and went back to our room at about 830, where we watched TV until I fell asleep at about 11.

The next day and a half was filled with more sight-seeing, shopping, watching TV and just general screwing around. We got along very well and never had a bad moment. Tiana seemed very relaxed and focused on enjoying herself. We had a great time walking on the beach, visiting various lighthouses and checking out the local ice cream shops, one of which had the most bizaare flavor I had ever seen--bacon!

On Sunday we somehow got the wild idea that we should try to find a cat that I could take back to Seattle, Unfortunately, we drove to various shelters but nobody was open. Tiana was excited the next morning when I told her about a place I had found in south Albany that was open and had a nice selection of adoptable cats. We checked out at about noon on Monday, drove to the shelter and were let into the "cat room" where we played with a number of cats for about half an hour. Finally we opened the crate of a 5 year old cat named "Fatima" who immediately came to us and jumped on our laps. That was good enough for us and ten minutes later we were out the door with our new cat. We stopped in downtown Albany for lunch and got some pet supplies. An hour later we were back at Tiana's school, where Fatima was a big hit with the other students. After the typical difficult, emotional goodbye, I was on that familiar road again, flooded with past feelings and hopes for the future.

[More photos are at http://s604.photobucket.com/albums/tt129/seattlefrank/]

Knee Surgery

Had a bit of knee surgery yesterday. Just a scoping procedure where they went in and cleaned out a bit of torn cartilage from my left knee. Last patient of the day--in at 2 and out the door at 415. Incredible relief to have that done and already I feel the knee is much stronger. I was able to actually able to get a reasonable nights' sleep last night. What a relief! For the last month I don't think I got any more than 3 hours sleep in any given night, and when combined with all the pain medication I'd been taken, I was becoming a real wreck. It's amazing I survived as well as I did. Before the surgery, when the doctor and i were reviewing my MRI, he said he was quite surprised that I was still walking.

Even though the knee had been causing a lot of pain, for the last few weeks it had been both more shoulders that were the bigger problems. As I wasn't able to use my legs to lift myself out of a chair or even to change position in bed, I had to use my arms in ways they had never been used before. This compensation caused a shooting in both shoulders whenever I moved them in a certain way. It was very difficult to put on a shirt or to even tie my shoes and I practically had to forget about sleep. Just getting into and out of bed was an excruciating prospect, even with the large amounts of hydrocodone I was taking (vicodin).

I had been logging my vicodin usage as the big concern is if you take too much, it can cause liver damage. This is due to the acetemenophin that is in each capsule, not the codeine. Because it wasn't proving real effective for the shoulder pain, I was up to 15 pills a day, nearly twice the recommended limit. Most of that was taken at night, where I was desperately trying to get at least a little sleep each night. Finally, after seeing Shawn West (my family doctor), he prescibed some percocet, which was much stronger and was a little more effective at controlling the pain.

To make this last week worse, our hot water heater broke and flooded the basement. Tuuli was a big help in dealing with that, but it was still a hassle getting a new one installed, etc. Boxes of junk are still spread throughout the basement, drying.

But the topper was on Thursday morning when I went to see Dr West for the pre-op formalities and was told that I needed a complete physical before the operation could be approved. What a nasty surprise that was! Anyway, the physical was over and I went to work. On the way home for lunch, Dr West called and said there was an anomaly on my EKG and there was a chance the surgery might need to be rescheduled. Well, that was about the last thing I wanted to hear, but fortunately, a couple hours later he called back and said my surgeon agreed to go ahead with the procedure. The end result thought is I have to go downtown next week for another battery of tests. I asked if I could put it off for a while as I was a little strapped for cash at the moment, but the doctor insisted it had to be done in the next few days. Kind of wondering what that's all about--always thought my heart, if nothing else, was in pretty good shape. Hopefully it was just a glitch in the original test.

Anyway, feel much, much better now and just wish I had gotten this done earlier. But again, I was trying to save money and attempted to rehab the knee on my own. Obviously, as it turned out, that was a losing battle as I had two fairly severe tears to the inside of my meniscus. The pain is much more controllable now and even the shoulders are already starting to feel better. It's amazing how quickly the human body can recover!

Of course, the downside to having the operation was that I was not able to drive down to see Tiana last weekend. As she had just graduated to a higher level, it would have been great to take her off campus and spend some real quality time with her. But that's the way it goes--mentally, and probably physically too, I could not have waited another 4-5 days to get the knee fixed. It was getting to the point where my arms were compensating for my knee, my back was compensating for my arms and then my thighs and ankles were starting to hurt too. What a mess I would have been after a few more days! Not to mention having to go into work each day and just generally dealing with the lack of sleep.

It's now Wednesday and I'm finally able to remove the bandages around my knee and lower leg. That takes a little of the support away, so I've been using my arms a little more, which is bringing back a little pain in my arms. I'm down to 2-3 pain pills a day. Still haven't been able to take a real shower--hopefully tomorrow. Went to the gym last night for a light workout and the knee felt great afterwards. No swelling and I slept well.

Will go in to see the doctor next Monday for a final sign off. But right now, I'm real happy with the way the knee is progressing and don't anticipate any complications. Fully expecting to start riding my bike next week.

NOTE: AFTER A COUPLE WEEKS, SHOULDER AND LEG PAINS RETURNED AND I WAS ON MORE PAIN MEDICATION THAN EVER. DESPITE MULTIPLE VISITS TO THE DOCTOR, COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON. COULD BARELY GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. FINALLY WAS REFERRED TO A REUMATOLOGIST WHO IMMEDIATELY DIAGNOSED MY PROBLEM AS POLYMYALGIA RHEUMATICA (PMR), A CONDITION, OR DISEASE, THAT AFFECTS THE MUSCLES OF THE NECK, SHOULDER AND UPPER LEGS (http://www.medicinenet.com/polymyalgia_rheumatica/article.htm). MUCH MORE COMMON IN THE 65+ AGE GROUP, I WAS ONE OF THE YOUNGEST MALE PATIENTS THE DOCTOR HAD SEEN. I WAS PRESCRIBED THE STEROID PREDNIZONE AND WITH 48 HOURS ALL THE PAIN WAS GONE AND I WAS ABLE TO GO ABOUT MY NORMAL BUSINESS. THE KNEE OPERATION HAD BEEN COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT PMR SPONTANEOUSLY REMITS WITHIN 2-3 YEARS WITH NO LONGTERM EFFECTS. RARELY LEADS TO MORE SERIOUS CONDITIONS.

Call 911

My nephew Sam, a neighbor kid (Spencer) and two other talented musicians are the group "Ambulance," and they played at a North Seattle club last night called The Lab. Gently asking the crowd of mostly high school kids to stand up and move forward before starting their set, and despite minor technical difficulties, Sam and the band put on a show that would do most mainstream Seattle club owners proud. Playing their own material, Ambulance performed a seven (?) song set that had elements of mature punk and up-tempo grunge with creative schisms that blew me away. A very enjoyable show on every level, and much like a performance I had seen last week on Capital Hill, where I found myself wishing it could go on and on. Already accomplished musicians, these guys set the club on fire and are just going to get better and better.

Parent Weekend #2

January 17-19, 2009
More photos HERE.

Well, here it is January 17th and we're again at an Albany motel, awaiting another parent weekend at Santiam School. It's always stressful getting ready for these weekends as we have to get out of Seattle, usually during rush hour traffic, negotiate the 5 hour drive to Albany, get unpacked and ready for the morning. Usually we have some kind of argument, just to add to the fun. This time it was whether Savi should come to the school both Saturday and Sunday, or just Sunday. Since Tuuli and I were going to be tied up with a parent workshop from 9 till noon, and then with counselor and teacher conferences until after 2, it made more sense to me that Savi just come for the Sunday session, when we had no commitments other than to just be with Tiana. Tuuli strongly disagreed. Oh well!

Tuuli and I got up early Saturday and were at the school by 9. We had an enjoyable session from 9 till noon where we interacted with the other parents through various touchy-feely exercises. It's great getting to know them better and hear there stories. At noon we met the kids and of course it was another emotional meeting between me and Tiana, with both of us crying and hugging each other for an extended period. It was then time for a quick lunch and then meetings with her teacher and therapist. She's doing fine in school, maybe getting a little bogged down because of a recent bad cold she had. She just needs to be a little more assertive and ask for help when she needs it. The therapist's session went well, with most of the time being spent on how Tiana could finish the work she needs to do to advance to the program's Level 2, where she has considerably more privileges and responsibilities. We hope Tiana will be at Level 2 by the end of January, or the first week in February.

We spent the rest of the day, which was cold but sunny, walking around the campus, throwing rocks on the frozen ponds, eating various treats that mom had brought and playing cards. We also tried on a couple new jackets I had brought for Tiana, but she didn't really like them, so I'll try again at the next parent's weekend. At around 6 we had a nice dinner and were gone by 7. It was a great day, I thought, spoiled a bit by a little homesickness Tiana had when she was in the back seat of the van, thinking about all the time we had spent in that car and all the places it had taken us in years past.

The next day was more of the same, but Savi was with us and it was fun to have the four of us together again, especially the two sisters, who seemed to get along great. Tiana liked Savi's new jacket and the girls played cards together. We drank tea, ate more junk food. For breakfast, I brought a plate of bacon, sausage and eggs from the hotel, along with a quart of milk, which Tiana seemed to really enjoy. We also brought a half dozen Egg McMuffins, which we heated up in the microwave and had for lunch. Marsha's parents also brought along a lot of food, including some coconut birthday cake and some chocolate covered pretzels.

Tiana led us on a hike to Camp Morrison, which was about a mile up a steep hill. She showed us the primitive facility where the students take their showers and took us around the old camp, which the Boy Scouts used to use during the summers. It was a lot of fun. Tiana was in an excellent mood, always smiling and goofing around. I really enjoyed being with her. She was very brave and didn't talk about when she could come home and showed very little homesickness. We also got another tour of her bunkhouse and Tiana was happy that tonight was going to be her first night in a lower bunk. I also helped her to build a new shelf and she mentioned several times during the day how excited she was to try it out. My, how things have changed! Such humility I never would have anticipated....

At 4 pm the program was over and we had to say goodbye. Like our greeting yesterday morning, it was very difficult. I told her I loved her and missed her every minute and that I hoped she worked hard so she could come home as soon as possible. It is just overwhelmingly sad and poignant to see the look in her eyes when we have to leave.

Family Bible

My mother's family bible has changed hands! The Aspinwall bible, which Dad has taken care of for the last number of years, is now in my hands. Dating back to the late 1860s, the bible faithfully recorded all family births, deaths and marriages until the mid-1970s, when it's maintenance was disrupted with the death of my mother's parents (Mark and Gladys Aspinwall). At that point, it came into our family's possession, and since my Mom's death, Dad has been taking care of it. An expensive re-binding has put the bible in near mint condition. Amongst other items, also included with the bible was a lock of my mother's hair from when she was seven months old, and a hand-decorated Christmas Pageant program from when Mom was in grade school at Garfield Elementary, the same school I went to in Olympia.

Christmas 2008, Missing Tiana

Perhaps now is a good time to reflect on my very lovely and my very special 17 year-old daughter, Tiana, who is spending her first Christmas away from home. Equally meaningful, to me at least, is that I'll be spending my first Christmas ever away from Tiana whom I miss now as much as I did in early October, when she first went away. Which is to say, a lot.

As most of you who read the blog know, my wife and I had been seeing serious and dangerous behavior from Tiana for the last year. It culminated in early October when we had her removed from her bedroom in the middle of the night and transported to a treatment program in Oregon, where she was involved in a hardcore wilderness-based protocol of drug abuse and behavior therapy, during which we were only allowed to see her once. At the end meeting, after the 51-day treatment program, we made the very difficult decision to commit Tiana to another six months at an affiliated therapeutic boarding school. That day, when Tiana was transferred to the school, was one of the most difficult of my life. Adding to the poignancy of the event was Tiana's incredible stoicism and acceptance of staying at the very rustic and demanding school, where she will be until at least late spring.

A few weeks later, in mid-December, we again drove down to see her at what's called a "Parent's Weekend." Part of this event was a workshop/social gathering of all the kids' parents with selected staff members. That went well, as I had a chance to meet some of the other parents and hear the stories of their kids. It ran the gamut from one dad who was totally freaked out by his son's occasional marijuana use to the somewhat more reasonable concern of the mom who was dealing with a daughter's addiction to heroin. One of my bigger fears going into this therapeutic program was that Tiana might not fit in with the other kids, for one reason or another. That concern has been totally put to rest as she has really proven to be the dictionary definition of the average participant.

After the parents meeting, which lasted until about noon, it was time to bring in the kids for a group lunch. It was a very cold and wet day and yes, my stomach was in knots about meeting Tiana again. Would she look happy or sad? How would she react when she saw me? How would I react when I saw her? The parents went outside of the assembly yurt and the kids slowly filtered up the muddy trail, reuniting with their parents. Tiana sort of appeared out of the mist--I hardly even noticed her. She ran right up to me and gave me a big hug. We both started crying but she regained her composure before I did and said "Don't worry dad--I'm doing good. I'm happy." Grammar aside, the words meant so much to me that I could hardly bear it.

The rest of the afternoon was spent on pleasant walks around the school's campus, interesting one-on-one talks with Tiana, and reviewing her school work, which she was very excited about. While Tuuli and I were wondering to ourselves how we would spend all that time together, the day went by very quickly, and before we knew it, it was time for dinner, after which we headed back to the motel in Albany. It was a very emotional day and on the ride back to town I reflected on how well it went and how well-worth saving Tiana truly is. She may never fulfill her utmost potential (neither did I) and her road into adulthood may not be smooth, but at least I feel strongly now that she has a chance, that she'll have the tools to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

Now might also be a good opportunity to review the costs we've incurred to date and the strain that has put on our budget and on the family's psyche. The first 51 days of the program came in at $450/day. Santiam School is at $5900+ per month, with a 6-month minimum and a 7 month average stay. There is a gear charge of nearly $1000 for Tiana's clothing, sleeping bag, etc. There is the cost of the motel we need to stay at for at least 2 nights a month. At Tiana's request, we will need to renew her Concerta medication, which is $145/month + the cost of the psychiatrist who needs to prescribe it, at $175/hour. There are other costs for miscellaneous gifts and extra gear, gas money, etc. I'm often asked, and sometimes wonder myself, if there had been a less expensive option. I don't know, but I think about it quite a bit. I'm comfortable with the program and I know it has a good reputation. There are kids enrolled at Santiam Crossing from all over the country, including Hawaii and even up to to Winnipeg, Canada. And it's not just rich kids of rich parents, but families from every socio-economic group. When we originally made the decision to send Tiana away, it was something that had to be done real quick--we didn't have time to do a lot of research. I feel very fortunate that we chose as wisely as we did. She's close enough where we can drive to see her in 4 or 5 hours, unlike some parents who have to take a transcontinental flight. When you add up the costs, they're staggering, at least to someone of our financial means. How we're going to survive, especially given the current economic climate, I have no idea. Is it worth it? Is it worth the strain on the marriage and the disruption to the family? Is it worth $60-$70,000 for Tiana to live in a very primitive environment, without even running water, for 8+ months with no guarantees that things will be better? I don't know, but the picture at the top of this entry tell me it's worth the chance.

But now it's Christmas. And I miss her. And I hope she is doing well and knows that I love her.

PS--Happy Birthday Mom!!

Arctic Adversity 2008

It was going to be the cold snap of the century, hurricane force winds, six feet of snow, floods and a dust storm all rolled into one. But friends Jody and Adam and I left Seattle for a weekend of I'm not exactly sure what in Cle Elum Saturday morning anyway. In the end, the biggest adversity was a broken snowshoe.

Under sunny skies, we arrived at our cabin in Cle Elum a little after noon. The outside temperature was 7 degrees, the inside temperature was about 8. Jody made a fire while Adam and I shoveled the driveway. We drove the car in next to the house, unloaded our gear and tried to get warm. We screwed around for a little bit, turning on various heaters and thawing out the water pipes. In about half an hour, we were off to Ellensburg where we had a nice lunch at the Dakota Cafe. Light snow began to fall, then heavier as we walked the downtown area. A little shopping at the local outdoor shop, a quick tour of the town's quirky museum and it was beginning to get dark. We drove back to the cabin on the canyon road, found the house pleasantly not on fire, and shortly after arriving, left again for Roslyn to find some dinner.

Much to our dismay, Village Pizza inexplicably was closed for "Christmas Vacation" so we back-tracked into Cle Elum where we had a nice dinner at a new restaurant on Main St called "Beau's". We walked around in a fairly heavy snowfall that didn't quite make it to the predicted blizzard status and headed back to the house where we watched a lame Charlie Chaplin movie (The Gold Rush) and watched weather reports of impending doom that we all knew would never materialize. It should also be noted that a little earlier we parked next to the Timberline Motel, poached their wifi for a few minutes while Adam and I made adjustments to our virtual sailboat race on my laptop computer in the front seat of the car. The snow continued, the car radio said the pass was closed and not expected to open to Sunday afternoon, "at the earliest." Somehow, it just didn't seem like a real storm was imminent.

We bailed on our idea of taking a sauna as the downstairs water had still not thawed. A little after midnight, I headed up to the unheated attic and had a very cozy and sound sleep in Tiana's old bed, with the window cracked open just a little. Next morning, we made breakfast and went on a nice hike behind the house as we waited for the pass to open. One of my barely used snowshoes broke, Adam fixed it with a spare shoelace. I'm afraid he will now be know as "MacGruber" based on the SNL skit of the same name.

While hiking, we learned that the pass had opened and we headed back to the house, postholing every step of the way in 2+ feet of powder. We watched a bit of the Seahawks game, had a bite to eat, jumped in the car and made an uneventful passage back to Seattle, stopping by briefly at Adams' parents houseboat next to the CSR yard on Lake Union. While we were gone, indeed a fair amount of snow had fallen and was still falling in Seattle, but the storm totally failed to reach expectations, as is typical of most hyped-up weather events.

Iron Mountain Trail

November 29, 2008


Again, things were quiet on the North Fork Teanaway road this drizzly, but warmish, Saturday morning in late November. The leaves now had all fallen from the aspens and cottonwoods and the larch had lost all their gold needles. With the gray skies and the flat light, there was little color to be found--perfect for keeping the dust and the crowds.

Trail 1394 starts about a mile before road end. Parking is on the south side of the road, the trail starts on the north. It starts up and it continues up, with nary five feet of flat until you get to about 5000. Views today were mostly of the fog, with some thin clouds swirling around the dramatic nearby Palisades and other massive granitic outcroppings, so common in this area.

The trail itself is fairly nondescript, winding it's way up a wide ridge in a thin pine forest. Spring and summer would be better, with a profusion of wildflowers, no doubt, spreading across the rocky forest floor. As previously mentioned, at 5000' the trail flattens a bit and views of the un-named pass and the top of the ridge open up. On a clear day, the view south and west would be rewarding. Today, through a pocket in the clouds, I settled for a weak rainbow, stretching across the creek bed, far below.

As the temperature was rising, snow was melting from the trail, exposing a solid sheet of ice below, much like a frozen stream. Just as I had slipped for the 16th time and was ready to turn around, a cold wind was felt blowing down from the pass, leaving the snow intact over the trail, making it easier to walk. At 6000' or so, the snow became quite deep and as it was now approaching mid-afternoon, I had a quick snack and started back. The pass itself, which I dearly wanted to see, was about a mile ahead and I'm sure, in clear weather, would have had spectacular views north to the Stuart Range.

After an easy and quick hike back down, I arrived at the car at about 330.

November 24, 2008

51-day reunion. Six months to go.

Oh boy--this is one of those days that you just dread, yet somehow look forward to. And not looking forward to getting it over with, but genuinely because you anticipate a positive result. This day brought out the best of those two opposing emotions, with the good clearly outweighing the bad.

After not seeing Tiana for 30 days, we were led to a small yurt on a hillside. There was a bright spot in the fog just overhead and the grounds of the school were beautifully quiet. We opened the door and sitting on the floor across the room was Tiana and her friend Marsha, who was also graduating from the program. Both kids were chatting excitedly and smiling as we walked in and Tiana immediately jumped up and gave Tuuli and I a big hug. Of course I immediately burst into tears (good self-control, Frank!) and the three of us just held each other for a long time, as our annoying dog was heard howling in the distance.

After a few brief formalities, the girls both went through their experiences of the last 30 days, what they had learned and what their goals were, going forward. Tiana went first and did so much better than our first meeting--I was quite pleased and very proud. Part of my prior dread was averted--Tiana did not make any kind of fuss about wanting to come home, and indeed, almost seemed to embrace the idea of another six months of boarding school. The dread that did materialize was my emotional response to her new-found maturity and self-confidence. I was just so, so happy to see the old Tiana, off all her medications and recreational drugs, physically fit and not consumed with her appearance. At one point she asked me if I liked her hair, as unkempt as it could possibly be. My response, with a wink, was "You know I do."

The rest of the afternoon was spent meeting new staff and getting Tiana and Marsha ready for their transition to the school part of the program. It all went very well, with Tiana in generally good spirits. At one point she told me she was going to work hard and get as many credits as she possibly could. She also told me, at least in so many words, not to worry--that she would be OK. That had a huge impact on me for one simple reason: empathy. One of Tiana's greatest failings, at least to me, was what I perceived a total and complete lack of understanding another person's point of view. Today was perhaps the first time ever that I saw she was able to understand my deeper feelings and relate to me on an emotional level. Perhaps it was just a random thought on her part, but for now I choose to believe it was the biggest sign of progress I have yet seen.

I also want to thank Savanna for making the trip. There were some emotional connection between the two girls that was good to see, including a hesitant hug that I had sort of dreamed of someday seeing.

The goodbye's were heartbreaking as Tiana was heading into a new, challenging realm that was very much an unknown for both of us. The long ride home gave rise to more introspection and a terrible emptiness that Tiana would not be home for the holidays, but contentment that everything is working toward a greater good, if we just give it time.

Kendall (I Thought It Would be Steeper) Katwalk, Nov 22, 2008

I've been wanting to do this hike for years, but was always put off by stories about it's popularity and overuse. I don't mind encountering a few kindred spirits on any given trail, but due to it's proximity to Seattle and the appeal of the views and the Katwalk itself, I just couldn't get stoked about meeting as many as a couple hundred hikers on an typical summer/fall afternoon.

Finally, the timing was right as it was raining in the city, with cold rain and warm snow forecast for the mountains. As it turned out, we had just a little rain at the end of the hike, with occasional dry snow showers the rest of the time, and a bit of clearing thrown in here and there. Anyway, the strategy turned to perfection for as soon as we hit the Kendall Katwalk spur trail, we were breaking through virgin powder and didn't see another soul until we were merging onto the freeway.

The trail starts off with a couple mild, but fairly long switchbacks. With me were friends Adam and Jody, two avid hikers from Seattle who were braving the warmish beginning of the hike, at least, in just their long sleeve shirts. After 2.75 mostly uneventful miles, one can continue straight into the Commonwealth Basin, popular with snowshoers, or hang a right to the Kendall Katwalk. The trail becomes steeper and more interesting now, with occasional switchbacks through old growth forest and open views. On this day, the weather was highly unsettled with temps in the mid-to-upper twenties, light to fairly moderate snow falling and mostly overcast skies, with a bit of blue sky sometimes showing through.

Numerous creeks are crossed, some of which could be an issue during times of warmer temperatures and higher runoff. One creek in particular was very picturesque with a wide ribbon of water falling over a solid sheet of rock a couple hundred feet above (more about that later!). At 4700' the trail reaches a saddle and flattens briefly, offering views to the east and north to Kendall Peak. After a short while back in the trees, views open up and rock fields are traversed as the trail switches back up the west face of Kendall Peak. At this point we were postholing through 12-18" of dry snow and as we were now nearing 5000', the temps were dropping considerably. Finally Adam and Jody had their jackets on. It was snowing hard.

At 5400' and nearly 4.5 hours and 5.5 miles from the trailhead, we reached the Katwalk, a quarter mile section of trail blasted out of solid rock. The trail is amply wide with steep, but not sheer, dropoffs to the west. Views might have been spectacular on a clear day, but today about all we could see through the snow swirling up from the valley were a couple frozen ponds far below and the hazy outline of a steep ridge across the valley. We lunched at the north end of the Katwalk, where because my precious beef jerky was frozen and inedible, Adam insisted that I take his store-bought wrap. I declined his generous offer and moments later he was heard telling Jody that he thinks the wrap had gone back and asking her if it smelled funny. I found that quite amusing.

After a 20 minute lunch break, just long enough to bring on a serious chill, we headed back across the Katwalk, fingers freezing as I tried to take a few pictures. In fact, my fingers became so numb that I somehow lost the grip on the camera case I was holding and without realizing, totally dropped it. Even though it was probably just 30 or 40 yards back, I had absolutely no ambition to go back and look for it.

Back into the relative warmth of the deeper forest, Adam suggested we cut a long switchback, which the GPS showed should save nearly a mile of hiking. Seemed like a good idea and as we headed cross country things were going great until we came to the same impassable cliff over which the previously mentioned waterfall was flowing. As it was now getting fairly late in the day, we were reluctant to backtrack to the trail. Luckily, Adam was able to find a quite sketchy way down a very steep, but passable, section of the 200' face, hanging on to tree roots and bushes the entire way.

Finally we were on the trail and a couple hours later, in total darkness and with flashlights blazing, we were back to the parking lot, tired but exhilarated from a 7-hour walk in the mountains.

Logistics: Drive to Snoqualmie Pass on Interstate 90 (east) and get off at Exit 52. From the exit, turn left and cross under the freeway onto Alpental Road No. 54. In a short distance, follow a spur road on the right (should be signed PCT) a few hundred feet to the main parking lot, restroom and PCT trailhead, elevation 3,000 feet. If the trailhead is inaccessible due to snow, look for a wide, plowed pullout along the road, usually about 1/4 mile from the freeway. If there are no safe pullouts, you can park on the south side of the freeway and walk to the trailhead, or so they say.

Trail data: From the trailhead to the overlook it is 11 miles round trip with 2,700 feet gain, plus 300 feet gain on the way out From the trailhead to the crest of Kendall Ridge it is about a 1,700-foot gain. From the trailhead to Commonwealth Basin, it is about 6 miles round trip. Don't forget your parking pass and don't attempt the Katwalk in winter--there's way too much snow and the area is prime country for avalanches.

November 14, 2008

Another six months. I'm proud of you Tiana, and I love u.

:-(

Introspection Pass

November 2, 2008

One hour from Cle Elum, the North Fork Teanaway Road ended at the Esmerelda Basin parking lot. Wildly popular in summer as a jumping off point to the Alpine Lakes Wilderness Area, on this dark and rainy morning it was eerily quiet, as in absolutely no cars in the parking lot. That was just an exercise in curiosity on my part—my trailhead was actually a couple miles back at the equally desolate DeRoux Campground, Trail 1392, and my ultimate destination, an un-named, 1 mile off trail 1393A, about 4 hours away.

Starting elevation was 3200’, under mild, but drizzly skies. The trail begins flat in a thin pine forest, crosses DeRoux Creek and in a mile and half comes to a junction with trail 1392A. Here we hang a left, leaving the creek and start climbing—1200’ in less than a mile. Clouds were close at hand, rain falling harder, as the trail switchbacks up the ridge to Introspection Pass.

At the pass, a decision had to be made. Views to the south were obscured by scudding clouds and fog, and though I could clearly see the trail winding down the other side of the ridge, the view suddenly ended in a dark sea of green pines and firs. At this elevation, well over 5000', the weather was currently in a highly-changeable mood. On one side of the pass, the wind was coming up, blowing in snow from across the valley. Temperatures were dropping. The question was to go forward toward my dubious destination, into uncertain weather, or to retreat back to the north side of the ridge, in the lee of the wind and snow.

I sat on a convenient log to ponder my choices, as the snow and sleet mix continued from the southwest. It didn’t take long for me to make a decision. I was tired, beat-up and soaking wet from the long slog up the ridge. In the foggy, miserable weather, there was but little chance that I would ever find my destination, a tiny, one-acre, non-descript lake in the middle of nowhere. It was still another 2 hours down the trail, I would be losing my hard-fought elevation gain. all the while dealing with grumpy weather. It wasn’t worth the risk. The sensible thing was to regroup into familiar territory, where I was sure of my footing, and sure of the way back to safety.

The cold rain continued as I worked my way down the switchbacks, but as I got lower on the hill, it turned into almost a kind of warm mist. Just as I was getting into a zone and wishing the hike would continue, the trail came to a junction and I decided to take a spur to Gallagher Head Lake, 3.5 miles to the northwest. I had been to the lake once before from the Cle Elum River side, but that was probably 15 years ago. Two hours and 2500' of elevation gain later, I got a quick look at the lake and started back to the car. I arrived at the trailhead at approximately 2pm and was home by 3.

Tiana Finishes Wilderness Expedition

Tiana has finished a very demanding 21 day wilderness trek and we finally got to see her Saturday at the Catherine Freer base camp, about 30 miles east of Albany, Oregon They have a very nice facility there--100+ forested acres, several lakes, a nice river that runs through, several structures, etc. The weather was cool and clear. We had our group meeting with 7 kids, 4 counselors/therapists and about 10 or 11 parents.

My first impression on seeing Tiana as she walked through the door is that she looked very tired. Her face was puffy like maybe she had been crying the night before. She didn't appear to have lost much, if any, weight (I sort of thought she would). Most of the other kids seemed a lot cheerier and happy to see their parents. Not so much with Tiana. As per usual, she wouldn't make eye contact with me.

In this group setting, the kids would face their parents and were expected to tell them what they learned during the first three weeks, what goals they had for the next 30 days and what their long-term plans were for staying clean, amongst other things. They were also supposed to give a full and complete list of disclosures of their past behaviors, including things that the parents probably weren't aware of. This was a very emotional thing for most of the kids to do, but you can see the benefits to everyone concerned--the kids get a lot off their minds and are able to start with a clean slate, and the parents get their worst fears confirmed (or refuted, but mostly confirmed) and can move forward.

Tiana in no cooperated when it came to be her turn. The therapists were very understanding, as they know Tiana is shy and has difficulty communicating under the best of circumstances, but they were also firm, strongly encouraging her to engage. She would just say she wasn't ready to talk, or she just "didn't want to," and we just couldn't get her to open up. She kept insisting that everything was in her journal and that we could read about it there. Finally, after wasting almost 2 hours of the group's time, we just gave up. I think it was a good lesson to the Freer staff about what we as parents have been dealing with.

We then had about 10 minutes to spend just with Tiana and that was a very emotional time for me and her. She just seemed so lost and I had no words to help re-assure her. Whatever issues she's dealing with must just seem overwhelming. We hugged and she let me kiss her on the cheek, I told her I love her and believed in her, and with great difficulty and emotion, she said she love me too. And then she was off. She just looked so sad and distant when she walked away, but never did show any strong emotion about not coming home.

The activities they have planned for the next 4+ weeks include rock climbing, surfing and horseback riding. They'll be receiving individual and group therapy on a daily basis and will still be sleeping in tents at night. Not the ideal lifestyle for Tiana, but I hope she is able to make some progress. She needs to get her self-confidence and her self-respect back.

The capper to the whole ordeal was getting back home and reading through her journal. It was very well written, articulate and clear, but several pages had been ripped out. Obviously, the version the field staff had seen (and more or less approved) was different from what we got. There are still a lot of things that she hasn't come to grips with and I'm very concerned about what they might be. I still feel very badly that as parents, we have really failed her.

Love to all,

Frank

Tiana's Gone

So for those of you who don't already know, yesterday we had an intervention.

At 330am, we woke up our soon to be 17 year-old daughter and informed her of our decision to send to her to a wilderness therapy program in Oregon. At first she didn't quite believe, simply rolled over and said "I'm not going to Oregon." When the transport crew entered the room, she slowly came to an understanding of what was going on. Ten minutes later it was virtually over, as Tiana stoically walked to the waiting van in slippers and her hastily arranged clothes.

We saw her again about 5 hours later when the programs administrators brought her into a conference room crowded with other families and school functionaries. It was the first of several emotional encounters and truly the beginning of a somewhat traumatic day. Quickly we were briefed on the program and then the lead therapist Socratically questioned all family members and kids so we all had a sense of what had led these diverse people to the program. It was very non-judgemental and was easier than I thought it would be. Tiana totally refused to participate. The counselors mentioned that this was her one chance to defend/explain her actions, but she still wouldn't cooperate.

Four grueling hours later we were done and the time came for saying goodbye to the kids. Because Tiana had been a little delayed in the process because she had to get a physical, she was the only one who still had her regular clothes on. The other kids had been searched, issued new clothes and were ready to start the 12 hour car ride to the trailhead. At this point Tiana was clearly angry and would not talk to me, but was still very much in control. She walked into the clean room, never looking back, and that was the last I saw of her. Her personal effects were returned to us about 15 minutes later.

By 230 or so we were on the road, leaving Albany, Oregon with very heavy hearts. It was a quiet car ride home as the skies were dark and rain often falling as we worked out way north. By about 645pm we were home, exhausted from the last 48 hours but feeling good that we had followed through with this extremely difficult decision.

What's next? After 21 days of full-on wilderness backpacking, with group therapy sessions twice a day and lots of introspective time and journal writing, the group of kids will come back to civilization and will meet again at a camp near Albany. Tiana will either be forwarded to the next, less-intesive 30 day phase of the program, or she may be encouraged to repeat the strenuous 21 day program a second time. Either way, she will stay in Oregon at least for another 3-4 weeks.

After the 30-day program, she will again be evaluated and the therapists will recommend the next course of treatment, which is usually 6-9 months in some kind of less structured therapeutic setting, a half-way house, so to speak. If Tiana makes real progress during the 30-day program, and we're able to make some changes at home and arrange for her education, there's a chance they'll recommend she return with us to Seattle.

I compare this with my mom's death many years ago, in terms of emotional intensity. I guess that's a little melodramatic, as in the universal scheme of things, this hardly registers. I know it's the best decision for Tiana, but I miss her so, so much. How many times in just the last few days have I heard somebody coming up the basement stairs, thinking it was her, or woken up in the middle of the night, thinking I heard something downstairs? And all the little personal things laying around the house, the birthday cards that are arriving, or the presents I had bought her months ago, still sitting in the garage....

Each day since she's been gone, I've been sending her an email, telling her about what's going on up here, the weather, and of course sprinkling in a few thoughts about how much I care about her, what we can do to improve our relationship, etc. It's silly, but it makes me feel much better and maybe will mean something to Tiana. Someday.

We'll be getting our first detailed report of Tiana's progress this Friday and I will post updates to the blog.

For Tiana

Shotgun in the Closet (Waiting to Go Off)

You haven't looked me in the eyes since you were twelve
Those eyes that used to sparkle
Are gone now, not working for you
Wonder all around
Is lost, replaced by darkness and dark circles

Could I have done more – probably
I could have done less
Somewhere things got away and it was easier
To stop trying so hard
And I guess that's what we did

You captivated me when you were on
And made me feel so good, and lightened
My heart
But it never lasted
And was followed by what was worse

Could we have had a normal conversation?
I don't think so, because you're shut down
To any common ground
And like me, stopped trying
It wouldn't have been so bad

You're the shotgun in the closet
Waiting to speak
Are you loaded again?
Can you come outside and live
Or stay in the corner, inert, alone

Stolen cash and ipods
Stolen hope and youth
Club on the car wheel
Dreams dashed
Because I couldn't get through

Where else have you been
Whose sheets have you seen
When the sun comes up
And you're caught in between
Morning and night?

We can't, you and I,
Want, wish, wait, hope and pray
Anymore, if you ever did
The time
Has come for Saving Private Tiana

Open up your heart and soar
Don't look down!
Listen to the artist, the creative spirit
Throw out the demons
And everyone that doesn't inspire you
Tattoo this on your soul: I never stopped believing!
You can do it
It will be hard
i luv u

Is there something inside that remembers?
--Dad

Rattlesnake Lake to Cle Elum Bike Ride 2008

We started riding at about 830 and arrived in Cle Elum at 330. In between was 53 miles of the usual mix of good and bad, difficult and easy, fun and boring. After nearly 10 years, the Iron Horse Trail has lost most of its intrinsic appeal and really the only things left are companionship with my brother in law Greg and the physical/mental challenge of the ride.

The first 20 miles are all uphill, albeit at a grade of only about a 100 vertical feet per mile. It doesn't seem like much, but when one is constantly peddling, never being able to coast or sit up on the bike for even one second, it takes a toll. For me, it's always my back. Even though I carry a relatively light pack, after ten miles it feels like a bus. Though my arms and legs are fine, my back tightens up and I can go no more than 6-7 miles without taking a break. Greg is very patient and sets an easy pace and doesn't mind the stops. He tells me that this year's stops were no more than usual, but it seemed like they were quite frequent between Rattlesnake Lake and Hyak.

Once we get to the tunnel, the grade flattens and immediately I feel better. On the east side, we're greeted with warmer temps and a very light wind. The next 12 miles or so is a slight downhill grade and before I know it, we're at Easton, where the trail straightens and basically follows the freeway into Cle Elum. I had trouble in two spots that had loose gravel, getting bogged down and nearly falling at the first spot and then dumping the bike in the second bit, but landing on my feet. I discovered that my rear tire was nearly completely flat and was simply not able to move through the loose rock.

The next hour and a half was at a pretty good pace, though I had some difficulty in keeping up as the tire had a slow leak and we had to stop several times to pump it up. Nonetheless, we soon rolled into the familiar South Cle Elum train station and a few minutes later were taking the traditional end of ride pictures at the house

I must thank Greg for setting the pace for the entire ride this year. He's in better shape than me and it took a load off my mind not to have to lead. Still I survived the ride in good condition, feeling just quite tired on Sunday, but otherwise no aches or pains. Greg said our moving average was 9.8 mph this year. down a little from previous rides.

In the end it was a particularly bittersweet ride that I'll probably remember more for the drama that's unfolding around Tiana than anything else, but still, it just felt good to be on the bike.

Miller Peak, August 30, 2008 (Jammin' Pass Loop)

A couple weeks ago, I was up in this area, about two peaks over, and temps were in the low 90s, even at 6000+'. Today as I started out on the Miller Peak trailhead at around 1030 am, it was 40-50 degrees cooler. I'd been putting off this hike as the trail is open to and quite popular with, motorbikes. But I wanted to strike it from my list as it is the easternmost hike in the Teanaway realm and the last hike in the region that I hadn't completed.

Almost immediately I had second thoughts as a group of 10 riders passed me within 500' of the actual trailhead. But they were all respectful and friendly so I continued on. As it was, I only saw two more riders during the next 13+ miles.

As most trails in the Teanaway basin, the Miller Creek trail starts easy and flat but within a couple miles starts climbing up the ridge smartly, often through surprising patches of first and second growth forests. Various creeks and streamlets are crossed and as elevation is gained and trees thinned, views open up to the south and the north revealing Mt Rainier nearly covered in mist and the Stuart Range, peaking out above the Navaho Peak ridge. At 5000 feet you can relax a little and catch your breath and drink in the beauty of the high country. A light wind rustles through the dried arnica, their bright yellows flowers long since gone. A marmot whistles in the distance, hiding amongst the acres of bare rock. Various peaks and ridges, in virtually all directions, fill the camera frame and best of all is Miller Peak, looking not all that far away.

The last 1000' to the summit is straight up over loose rock, but once on top, one finds a little flat area with a few trees and plenty of cozy places to sit and soak in the scenery. Cell phone reception is possible here, so it's a great place from which to send a picture message to that friend who couldn't be with you.

Below the ridgeline to the south was an enticing side trail not indicated on the maps or GPS, which for that very reason had great appeal to me. Down I scrambled, nearly 1000 feet, and soon I was heading east on this seldom used trail, which I hoped would eventually hook me up with the Bear Creek trail, leading me back to the car in a nice, long loop. The trail was very pleasant, following just below the ridge with wide open views to the south and wast. I was a little concerned when the trail did not descend into the Bear Creek valley, but continued east. I kept expecting it to change direction, but it never did and pretty soon the trail just petered out, leaving me with very nasty scramble down a steep ridge to the very headwaters of Bear Creek, which I followed for nearly two miles, before picking up an old, un-maintained trai (probably the original Bear Creek Trail). Eventually that led to the main trail and by 6 pm I was back at the car, worn out after more than 7 hours of hiking.

I'm calling this "Jammin' Pass" Loop as I was listening to a Bob Marley tune when I passed a very clear defile in the ridge which seemed like a passage between north and south, a portal from my familiar stomping grounds of the Teanaway Valley through a hole in the ridge north to Chelan County and the unexplored regions of Ingalls Creek and the Stuart Range.

New Cat in the House

So they tell me we got a new cat. I know it's true because I've seen the scratching post, the kitty treats, the little cat abode, the cat toys, the litter box and the receipt from the spay and neuter clinic.

The cat has been in hiding since being brought home by Tuuli and Savi last Saturday when I was on my Earl Peak hike. The attached photo, taken by Tiana, looks suspiciously like our last cat, Kanga, but I'm assured it is a new, so far nameless, kitten. Kitten might be stretching it as I'm told she's almost a year old. Nonetheless, I'm convinced that we do have a new cat, so now if we can just do something with the dog, I might actually get a chance to see her.